Yesterday, I went to Starbucks (my daily obsession) and ordered myself a Caramel Macchiato. Now generally, when you order a Caramel Macchiato, you get espresso, steamed milk, and caramel. Those are the ingredients. However, yesterday when I got my Caramel Macchiato, it had no caramel. I have a Caramel-less Macchiato. My Caramel Macchiato is without caramel. I have a Macchiato. Sadness befalls me. Moving on.

So, lately I have this obsession with expensive things. I do not understand why, but all of a sudden I just want EVERYTHING. Everyday I fall in love with something new and expensive. The best thing about this, is the fact that I have absolutely NO MONEY. I am the poorest person alive.

Hey, Secondhand Lions is a pretty good movie.

This is stupid. Bye.

I am the laziest person in the history of all people. Okay, I probably am not. There are, and were, and always will be MANY people that are much more lazy than myself. I am actually quite efficient compared to a lot of people. However, I am pretty lazy. I have not updated this journal since fucking January? What in God's name is so hard about updating once every week or.. MONTH if anything? I am so boring. Wow, January. That is over five and a half months of just.. nothing. I've been online since then. I just haven't come to my own site. I had not even changed the song I had up in probably 6 or 7 months. Who knows. I can't even remember. Utterly pathetic. I just changed it though, to something that you probably think sucks. Who cares though, I already hate you. KissKiss.

So, a lot can happen in five and a half months. Not in my life, but definately in someone's, somewhere. Okay, so nothing in my life has changed. Not since January. I mean, I have plans for changes, but seriously, nothing with me is concrete. Ever. I do have something planned that WILL happen no matter what befalls me. That event is almost a year away however, so I'm not too worried about it at the moment. Not to the point that it should be openly voiced on my unread website. Hmm, so, news. Everyone I know is getting married, and it is most likely that if there is a wedding in the months of August or September, I am in the wedding party. Okay, so there are only two. So far. It is most likely that I have paid over $150 American dollars for each dress worn. Again, two. Over $40 buckos for shoes to go with said dresses. Two pairs. Oh, and not to complain or anything.. but one of these weddings involves my purchasing a plane ticket totaling about $375 smackaroos. God, I love giving people the honor of my presence at their weddings. That's how they put it, you know. "It would be an honor if you would stand beside me at my wedding." Then they hit you with the bill, and you wonder why you honored them by standing next to them and not just by sitting in the crowd. I really am not that bitter about this. I really am happy for both couples. I am more just annoyed by the goddamned plane ticket. I will live. I suppose.

I hope this bitch didn't just steal my money. (I realize that not one person will know what I am talking about there, but whatever.) If she fucking stole my money and does not ever talk to me again, or deliver her fucking promise, she will rue the day she.. Who am I kidding? I won't do anything. I can't do anything. Fucking whore. I hope she dies. Unless she turns out to be truthful and then I love her for all eternity. Okay, are you confused? Bored? So am I. Let's move on.

My webcam is permanently stuck on grayscale. I cannot seem to find any way to change it. Fucking thing. I don't give it any attention for MONTHS and when I finally plug it in.. it has suddenly forgotten what color is. Nonetheless, I have updated my webcam which can be found by clicking the link that says "Jesska" and then the one that says "Digital Jesska". Oh dear God, I am bored now. Bye.

I forgot that I can't have a website and say what I want. I forgot that it is human nature to take things to heart. It's natural to assume. I wish human nature wasn't so damned complicated. It is so crazy that we have this freedom to say what we feel, yet there are so many reprocussions that it almost feels like it is not worth it. Now, a younger me would have taken what happened today as a sign that maybe I shouldn't say what I feel. A younger me would have deleted the previous post and just said "nevermind". However, I, like so many people, have changed as well. I'm not going to censor myself. What I said is what I feel, and when I said it probably wasn't about you, I was not lying. As long as I have ever had a website, I have tried to say what I feel and it has always blown up in my face, and I always ended up deleting anything that had anything to do with it, just to escape. I don't want to escape what I feel though. So I will just say this. When I have a major problem with you, something post worthy, I will let you know. I do that anyway. I just hope that we don't have to make assumptions off of very vague, anonymous information. I hope that we can talk to eachother and not have to ruin everything that was good because of something that has nothing to do with whom it seems to upset.

"Evolution-A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form."


You are totally right. That is exactly what evolution means. As stated by Webster. However, evolution is in no way related to what I was speaking of. You wouldn't know though, because apparently facts don't matter anymore. Only fiction.

I guess I have just completely given up on most human contact. The past week, I have just felt more and more detached from anyone that I would call a friend. Not that this is entirely anyone else's fault. I am mostly at fault here. Though, I cannot bring myself to aid the situation. In the past months, I have felt that most of my friends have changed. Changed into people I do not necessarily enjoy. This is mainly due to the fact that when I like someone, I like them for who they were when I met them. I mean hell, that's what made me like them in the first place. Therefore, when they change into different people, they are no longer that person I once enjoyed so much. So I feel somewhat disgusted and confused. I wonder, why is it necessary to change so drastically? Was your life that horrid? So bad that you had to change the person you are to make it better? Did it work? Is the world better now that you aren't who you once were? Do you sleep better at night? Do you even sleep? These things run through my mind. So, having friends that do not act like the people I so loved, makes me lose faith in all my friends. It's like I am just watching everyone float around in their little clouds of temporary happiness. Knowing that they are still who they were inside. They just can't stand the thought of who they were, and so they are not. So I think, why do you hate that part of yourself so much, when that is the part that I adored. Anyway, back to the point. I started feeling detached from such people and so I have detached myself from all others. They only person I feel completely sane around is Daniel. So, of course, he is the only one I feel like being around. Which by the way..

Daniel and I are moving to St. Louis this summer (or so). Yes, I am leaving this place. We decided about a week ago that we can't take it anymore. We both feel we need a change of scenery and socialization. So, in an effort to somewhat quickly evacuate ourselves from this hell hole, we have decided that St. Louis is far enough away to not be Memphis, yet close enough to visit in case our friends decide they miss us. Which probably won't happen. At least for me, because I am a bitch. So, St. Louis in the summer. By then, money will have been saved, jobs can be secured (well, hopefully), and living arrangements can be made. We have made about 50 New Years resolutions. Most of them will quickly be solved by leaving Memphis. Also, I am excited. St. Louis is only 6 hours (if you drive normal speeds) away from Omaha, NE. I will definately be visiting a Krin or two. Oh, and we are getting a puppy. Which we will name Yuki. Which supposedly means "lucky" in Japanese.

Note: If you think the first paragraph is about you, then it probably isn't, you fucking narcissist. <3

Beasley died. I have never been more upset over an animal dying in my life. Upset with myself mostly. I should never have given him away. I honestly think that my giving him away, even to a trusted friend, was the beginning of his end. This cat's life revolved around me. I have never seen an animal more attached to its owner. It amazed even me. It was amazing to me that this smart, beautiful little creature could look up to me so much. To him, I was everything. He didn't care if I only spent an hour a day with him, as long as I was there, he was okay. I was selfish to just give him away. For what? I didn't feel like cleaning up his fur all the time because my boyfriend was allergic. Daniel didn't even care. He would sit and suffer, because he knew I loved that cat. Even so, I was lazy and didn't feel like constantly sweeping up his fur. So, since one of my friends had already taken Angelique, I thought giving her Beasley would be fine. I mean Angelique was just fine. She didn't even recognize me when I visited. So I thought Beasley would be alright. Only I knew it would be a problem at first. It was. From the day he got there he stopped eating. They tried everything. I should have taken him back then. That is my biggest regret. I knew something was wrong and I did nothing. I am so foolish. He got worse and worse and I still didn't do a thing about it. Now he's gone. He was so sad and horrible looking. He looked like he was in so much pain and he wasn't himself in any form. He did not deserve that. That cat was the smartest animal I have ever seen. He was too good for a depraved death like that. He was only 8 years old. I should have done something but I didn't. I cannot stop crying. Every single time I think about him not being out there somewhere, I get even more sad. I have never felt like this. I just wish more people could have known what he was like. Jennifer and her family. Especially her family. He wasn't himself around them the entire time he was with them. I'm sad for them because they never knew how he really was. They would have loved him one hundred times more had they known first hand how smart and sweet he was. I know this sounds like the stupidest thing to be upset over. I just loved that cat so much, and I feel like I betrayed him.

I just wonder if the whole time he was sick, if he ever thought, "Where is she?".

This was never about you. You were never the one. You were always just a random playful memory. You were never the end product. You were never going to be the great climax. You were a bump in the road. You were just a silly little thorn. You have been plucked. You have been overrun. You are no longer needed. Nor were you ever. This was never about you, no matter what you thought. You never meant a thing. I am a novel, and you are just a torn out, burned up page.

Daniel and I have been playing Dance Dance Revolution for almost three hours. It is so intoxicating. I cannot for the life of me get enough of this game. I love it. It even has a workout mode, so that you can calculate how many calories you have burned off. So fun. The dance pad that I got is normally about a hundred dollars, because it has this hard foam inside it so that it is more like the real game. I got the pad for about sixty-five bucks though. Wheelin' and dealin'. I also bought the full series of Witch Hunter Robin, because it is wonderful. I almost like being a nerd sometimes. Oh, fuck you. Don't judge me, you bastard. Well, bye.

So, Hi. Well, here I am. I have a site again. Hosted by my dear, darling, lovely Krin. So here it is. Pure and simple. I cannot believe how much I have forgotten about html. Lord, this was quite a task at first. It's coming back. Slow but sure. Well, not so sure. I have only linked Krin, because well.. I am an asshole. Besides, she's the best. No comments allowed. Why is this? Well, from past experiences I have learned that 90% of comments are by people that have nothing better to do than make sad, uninformed insults. So I basically do not care what 90% of my commentors have to say. The other 10% can just talk to me online if they feel the need to comment. Besides, this time I was way too lazy and underpracticed to install some sort of blogging tool. Well, bye.

Testing, testing. God, I hate myself.