**

#60

I have often hoped that I am not judged by my words, mannerisms, or behaviors. Because these things very rarely match what I am actually meaning to say or what I actually feel.

I am grateful for the moments I am able to properly convey what is really happening in my mind. It seems to be quite a difficult task for me. And I find myself endlessly imagining how I could’ve better managed a past conversation.

#59

Removed the 4-inch pillow topper from the bed and laid it on the living room floor. Black out curtains, drawn. String lights on for a tiny, tiny bit of light (basically a nightlight). A/C on full blast, providing tons of white noise. Dumb Netflix comedy playing. Pup to the left of me, Marc to the right of me.

The world outside is unseeable, unhearable, unfeelable. And there is nowhere else I’d rather be.

#58

I’ve been thinking a lot about the phrase: “What comes easy won’t last. And what lasts, won’t come easy.”

And you know what? Ok.

I understand the sentiment of hustling hard for something you really want. I fancy myself a hustler, in some ways, but cannot deny that I am totally a lazy piece of shit in others. That’s the way it is, it’s who I am, I’ve accepted it.

Point is.. I don’t agree with this quote at all. Sometimes, the what-came-easy things linger forever because you’re too lazy to change. And on the other hand, nothing lasts forever, so why bother?

#57

I’m not really a big believer in “favorites”. I am a strong believer in change. While you may have a favorite something right now, will it still be your favorite in 30 years? I think this is why I have no tattoos. Nothing is permanent. And that’s fine. I’m not scared of commitment, I am just realistic.

Anyway, all this is just a segway to talk about my favoritest movie of the last 4 years. I’ve watched it a handful of times and I can’t get enough of it. I’m watching it again!

The movie is Life Itself on Amazon prime. And it is exactly as it sounds, about life, itself. Life is depressing, exhilarating, unexpected, terrible, and amazing all at once. It’s such a great movie that exemplifies the power and influence humans have on each other, by just existing.

#56

I love my dog as if he was my child. I am so proud of him, so often. He was and is so easy to train, he is so calm, he is the perfect level of attached, he cuddles when I need it, he chills when I am away. He is an overt reflection of myself, we have mutual love/respect/need for one other.

But most impressively to me, he reads other dogs and people so well. Clearly, not something he learned from me. He’s a natural. I find myself constantly impressed by this interesting dog we happened to stumble upon because the other dog we went for was gone. We adopted in such a haphazard way, and yet… It truly feels like it was meant to be.

Walking him tonight, we approach two women with a kid. The women are walking three dogs. And the kid has a fourth. All the pups are the size of pugs. For reference, Sawyer is about 50 lbs, so he towers over all of them.

The kid with the pup runs right up to Sawyer’s face, pup’s tail is wagging, kid is super nonchalant. The two dogs are fast friends. They’re BFFs, no one is closer than these two.

I notice the two women kinda froze and did not continue walking, so I’m offer up, “Oh, he’s super friendly!”, assuring them Sawyer’s not a dick. One of them responds to me that the dog who ran up to Sawyer is usually the dick. So, that explains the freeze and hesitation. Sawyer continues on to say hi to all the pups and everyone’s having a grand ol time. Tails wagging, all pups are happy. He is like a pup whisperer.

We should all wish to be more like Sawyer.

#55

I found out an old friend is in the hospital. He’s not someone I talk to regularly or even have in many years.

But he IS someone who holds a very high influence on the person I am today. We met during my exploratory years. He introduced me to so much music I’d never give a listen to. The mixed CDs we used to share. The stories we told over drinks. The music he played.

Do other people feel such strong connections with folks they don’t even talk to? Or is it just me? If it’s just me, I guess I’m okay with that? But maybe I should express my adoration a bit more.

My promise to myself – I will show appreciation when it’s due.

#53

Today, I am thankful for simple understanding.

Sometimes (who am I kidding? a lot of times), I am misunderstood. Or it’s not always about me, folks are just miscommunicating, left and right all the time. It’s human nature, we don’t always understand each other. And I, specifically, tend to fumble on my own words when speaking. My mind kinda spazzes out when I’m put on the spot, I suddenly can’t think. So, I struggle with verbal communication quite often.

But lately, I have been feeling very symbiotic with everyone I am around. And I want to acknowledge that feeling. It’s new to me. It’s not something I’ve felt before. Or at least, have never had the fortitude to notice before.

I know it likely won’t last, but I am extremely lucky for my current position in life.

#52

Today, I am thankful for Sundays. Where most people treat the new year like a new beginning, I think of every Monday as a new beginning.

Sundays are for food prep, weekly schedules, planning, and organizing. Sometimes cleaning, sometimes self-care and pampering, but only when I feel like it.

#51

I was in a CVS today, for the first time in a pretty long while. No mission of my own, I was accompanying Marc.

While walking through the aisles of so many perfectly pocket-sized items, I had this overwhelming urge to shove something into my pocket.

I am glad that I did not do that.