#37

Thanksgiving 2020 seems like a very classic date to re-start my gratitude journal here. My goal is to post more regularly, maybe start with 3x a week, up it to 4x a week, eventually daily. Rewiring the brain takes time and a whole hell of a lot of effort. Sometimes, I just can’t do it and I slip into this kind of person that I don’t really like. Expressing gratitude is important. I have felt off lately, and I’m convinced it’s because I have been focusing too much on negatives, looking for things to be upset or annoyed by. Nobody wants to live like that, we should be looking for things to be happy about.

Today, I am grateful that I get to stay cozy in my pajamas and slippers. We slept in until NINE AM! The fridge is stocked. We have a feast planned. We have cocktails planned. An apple scented candle is burning. The apartment is clean. There is no stress, zero social anxiety, puppy cuddles, and cooking together time with my favorite person.

#36

It is 8:30 PM on a Tuesday. I am in bed, looking at my phone. I’ve been browsing the internet for a new dish sponge, for the last hour.

The reason? I don’t like using regular sponges directly with my hands, it ruins my nails, dries out skin, and leaves my fingers smelling of old dish water smells. It’s gross, I don’t understand how anybody uses a regular sponge more than once. So, I need a wand, but am tired of replacing plastic wands and disposal sponge heads for these wands. I want something more sustainable, but long-lasting. It’s apparently hard to come by.

Anyway, in the midst of my frustrations, I realize… If this were ten years ago, I’d be so disgusted with myself and this boringness. I’d be embarrassed with myself.

But ya know what? This is who I am. This is what occupies my mind. I love my bed, I love getting as much sleep as humanly possible, I love cleaning products that make my life easier. I am perfectly content with being this kind of person.

Of course, ten years in the future, hoping to have a dishwasher.

#35

Today I am thankful for the reminder that I have survived 100% of what I have lived through.

Whatever life throws at me will be interesting, enlightening, and just the kind of challenge I enjoy.

#34

Today, I am thankful to have an answer to what’s been plaguing me and my body for the last two years of my life. 

A little background, my body hurt. My back hurt (more than usual). My hips hurt, constantly. At one point, I had sciatica so bad I couldn’t walk for three days, not an exaggeration. I got constant headaches, migraines, lights hurt my eyes. I could hear this crunching sound in the back of my neck whenever I ascended stairs. I could hear crinkling in my left ear, randomly, which… let me tell you… freaked me the hell out.
I went to a doctor, who referred me to another doctor, who referred me to another. I had hearing tests, I had balance tests, I saw a chiropractor, I tried acupuncture, I tried muscle relaxers. Everything helped, but only temporarily. Every doctor I saw was basically, in a rush, and contributed it to stress. One doc after another, “you sure you’re not stressed?”

No, I did not consider myself stressed, at the time. But the idea of everyone telling me that I was stressed made me doubt myself and my entire existence. “Am I really super stressed and lying to myself? Am I THAT out of tune with my emotions? Do I not know my boundaries? Is my body trying to tell me I can’t handle this? Do I really not know how much I can handle? Can I handle nothing? Who am I? What is this?!?!” 

Let me tell ya something else… worrying about being stressed, stressed me the f out.

Fast forward to two months ago, I sprain my ankle, which totally sucks. It has been really really really annoying. I put off going to a doctor because of covid, but when it started to get worse, I finally went. X-ray, MRI, weeks of chasing MRI results. I am now in physical therapy. 

I have learned that a sprain from 17 years ago did not heal properly, making this sprain kind of on top of that. But more recently, and more pressing, a toe fracture that happened two years ago never healed. I thought it got better, but what actually happened was I accommodated the pain and gradually walked differently on that foot. Which is another way of saying, I walked crooked, but only on one foot. That crookedness moved up my body and fucked my shit up. 

This accommodation can be attributed to every single detail of all my discomfort over the last two years. It was never stress, it was simply my tendency to be overly accommodating, even when it hurts me. *Insert mind blowing up here*

Yes, I need to strength my ankle. And yes, I need to keep my stress level in check. But the bigger picture here is self care is a real thing. You don’t have to be stressed to take a step back and take care of yourself. If I had done that two years ago, I wouldn’t be dealing with this ankle situation right now.

#33

Today, I am thankful to be in an industry that is not hurting too much from this pandemic.

If I had not made the moves I have made, I could still be at a ticket brokerage, which has no events to sell tickets for. Or a real estate company, which has very little listings for the few people who are still looking to buy right now. I would for sure be on the chopping block at either of those places.

Instead, I am busier now, working from home, more hours than I was in the office. I LOVE the people I work with, we are all great at communicating, from a distance. I could not love the work I do, more. And I don’t feel too stressed out, because I feel very supported.

I am in a really great place right now, while the whole world is freaking out. It’s such a crazy feeling, when I sit back and think about it. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

#32

The part about this pandemic that I find most interesting is how each individual person is reacting to it.

The positive get more positive, while the negative get more negative. The worriers, worry more. The anxious, get more anxious. The resourceful, get more resourceful. The kinder, get more kind. The angry, sadly, just get angrier.

The introverts are enjoying the social distancing, while the extroverts are hating it. A surprising amount of folks are truly hoarders.

The best business owners are reacting appropriately, while the worst are also following their own compass. Some folks are loving working from home, while others are hating it, or are choosing to still go into the office. I guess there’s not a one-size-fits-all, on that front.

Some companies are taking this as an opportunity to offer deals, delivery, pick up, when they usually would not. I’ve also heard stories of a daycare worker, demanding parents pay her, even if they don’t take their kids to her. Very differing ways of looking at this.

I’ve seen videos and photos of downtown Chicago, in the loop, completely deserted, which is crazy for the area. But my neighborhood, just three miles west of there, seems to be completely business as usual. People are still taking buses, there’s still plenty of cars about, people walking around.

Nothing like a tragedy to show some true colors. What kind of person are you?