kandy.net

07/17/10

July 17th, 2010

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It’s not 1st or 2nd row, but still pretty damn close. :)

One of the prime reasons I thought Chicago would be a good place to move was the access to a lot more, generally respected colleges. I want to go back to school. ITT Tech did nothing for me and I want to start over. The credits I have from ITT Tech would not transfer to any new college. I have a completely clean slate. Problem is, I have no idea what to do with that. I used to be so engulfed in learning every tiny aspect of everything having to do with any kind of programming. Now, it can’t hold my attention span for very long at all.

I can’t decide what I want to major in. Okay, so start with the basics. Sure, which school? I went from two crappy options, right into way too many options. And I don’t want a repeat of my past mistakes, mentioned above. I’m scared of making another huge mistake, I’ll admit it.

So, let’s think about what can I afford? Oh right, I can’t even afford my current living situation.

Okay, ignoring that.. What do I want to do for the rest of my life? Where is my passion hiding? It is so incredibly sporadic and random, I cannot hone in on one thing that I am confident will never bore me. Or maybe I can blame it on abundance… I am interested in way too many, completely unrelated topics, but not strongly enough in any single one of them.

How do people decide? That one thing you want to focus on, for… as long as it takes to retire, I guess? Even then, it still defines you. What you’ve done with your life, how you lived, who you are, etc. That must be it, I have no idea who I am yet.

…yet? I meant, still.

And what about those nutsos out there who already know what they want to do/be at a very early age? And their mind never ever changes and they never doubt that first instinct. I can’t even fathom living a life like that. For me, that is right up the same alley as marrying your high school sweetheart. How are you not curious about anything else?

Don’t get me wrong though, I am jealous of these people who seem to be so sure of what they want. I would love it if I never second, third, tenth guessed anything ever again.

I am often uneasy making plans two days in advance. Who knows what can happen between now and then? Maybe I get sick, you get sick, or one of us just isn’t the mood for it by the time that day comes, we’re both stuck with an obligation. Let’s not even go so far as thinking about two years from now. No one knows.

I mean seriously, you are my witness.. I can’t even decide on a new layout that I like enough. I’ve changed it maybe… twelve times in the past two days. And it was not a new layout each one of those twelve times. Of course, I have to return to that one I already rejected, for whatever reason, and see if maybe I will like it more this time? Maybe whatever my reasons for rejecting it the first three times, were short-sighted? Maybe the thing I hate about it can be overlooked, changed, corrected…? It’s exhausting and frustrating, all mashed up into a very unappetizing, unappealing bowl of crap.

And now, I will allow my teenage heartthrob, Tom Petty, to express my feelings in song form. He says it better anyway.