Day: June 11, 2020

#34

Today, I am thankful to have an answer to what’s been plaguing me and my body for the last two years of my life. 

A little background, my body hurt. My back hurt (more than usual). My hips hurt, constantly. At one point, I had sciatica so bad I couldn’t walk for three days, not an exaggeration. I got constant headaches, migraines, lights hurt my eyes. I could hear this crunching sound in the back of my neck whenever I ascended stairs. I could hear crinkling in my left ear, randomly, which… let me tell you… freaked me the hell out.
I went to a doctor, who referred me to another doctor, who referred me to another. I had hearing tests, I had balance tests, I saw a chiropractor, I tried acupuncture, I tried muscle relaxers. Everything helped, but only temporarily. Every doctor I saw was basically, in a rush, and contributed it to stress. One doc after another, “you sure you’re not stressed?”

No, I did not consider myself stressed, at the time. But the idea of everyone telling me that I was stressed made me doubt myself and my entire existence. “Am I really super stressed and lying to myself? Am I THAT out of tune with my emotions? Do I not know my boundaries? Is my body trying to tell me I can’t handle this? Do I really not know how much I can handle? Can I handle nothing? Who am I? What is this?!?!” 

Let me tell ya something else… worrying about being stressed, stressed me the f out.

Fast forward to two months ago, I sprain my ankle, which totally sucks. It has been really really really annoying. I put off going to a doctor because of covid, but when it started to get worse, I finally went. X-ray, MRI, weeks of chasing MRI results. I am now in physical therapy. 

I have learned that a sprain from 17 years ago did not heal properly, making this sprain kind of on top of that. But more recently, and more pressing, a toe fracture that happened two years ago never healed. I thought it got better, but what actually happened was I accommodated the pain and gradually walked differently on that foot. Which is another way of saying, I walked crooked, but only on one foot. That crookedness moved up my body and fucked my shit up. 

This accommodation can be attributed to every single detail of all my discomfort over the last two years. It was never stress, it was simply my tendency to be overly accommodating, even when it hurts me. *Insert mind blowing up here*

Yes, I need to strength my ankle. And yes, I need to keep my stress level in check. But the bigger picture here is self care is a real thing. You don’t have to be stressed to take a step back and take care of yourself. If I had done that two years ago, I wouldn’t be dealing with this ankle situation right now.