What am I really learning, if I just keep chasing my tail in the same direction? We get stuck in these patterns of always doing the same thing, which always yields the same results. My pattern is a circle, that seems to be getting smaller in circumference, every time I try taking another spin at it.
What direction do you go to get away from your normal, when your “normal” is already so abnormal? I refuse to believe that I’m so terribly unconventional that no one out there thinks the same way I do.
The past couple days, my thoughts are scattered like the dirty laundry on my floor. I have no focus, I can’t concentrate, I can’t hold a conversation, I forget stupid shit, I can’t even form sentences. I am so mad at myself for losing that stupid pair of gloves. What is going on? I’m doing something wrong.
First of all, can I reiterate, once more, how much I hate making plans? How dare someone expect me to rearrange my very important plans for being lazy, only to tell me that they are too lazy? It is nights like these that I sometimes find myself on my couch, with a bottle of wine, listening to sappy love songs (because come on… that’s the only kind of songs that matter), and well… you can imagine where that leads.
But I’m good, tonight I will occupy my suddenly-free-time with my hair! Like an actual girl….. (right? Isn’t this what they do?)
In high school and for a couple years afterwards, I used to always dye my hair darker red. I already have red hair, but it’s not red enough. I finally stopped doing that because I was too poor (wait… ‘was’?). So, it’s been years since I’ve dyed it any color, whatsoever.
But…. I’ve wanted dark, deep blue for years and years and days. I finally have a job where I don’t see customers and my boss doesn’t care (best boss ever award!). So now, I can live-out my high school fantasy of having really cool hair! The first time I tried dying it blue, it came out like this, pretty terrible:
We got a little carried away and it wasn’t what I wanted, at all. And of course, faded super fast so it was easy to fix, dyed back to normal. And then, I got bored and dyed the already faded ends, purple. Only because a friend suggested that purple works best on red hair.
And she was right. I loved that purple. It matched all my green (favorite color, take notes) clothes. I did it myself and it lasted for months. But once it started to fade real bad, I re-dyed it a few times.
I still loved it. But this was a different shade of purple and started to look pink (yuck). So, I got bored with that and attempted blue again. I don’t have a photo of what it looked like after I did the blue myself. Oh well.
Last week, I actually went to the salon and paid a bunch of stupid money to get something stupid done I could have done my stupid self.
And in fact, already needs to be re-done. A whole seven days later. In my opinion, I just wasted that money.
So, I asked my lady-friends: what am I doing wrong? Why does it fade so fast? I was directed to this site of this super cute girl that I wish I looked like. And right now, I am conditioning my hair before trying my own, once again, with the blue dye. Good thing I got a lot of time on my hands, after all.
If it isn’t clear yet: I’m just wasting time, making another self-obsessed post until it’s time to wash this baby out.
During my photo browsing, I found a photo of myself at… must be age 14. After a haircut.
What I love about myself is that, 15 years later, I still have basically the same haircut. Just more of a dramatic slant (which if I had gotten what I actually wanted back then, it would have been exactly the same). The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Five photos of me, in one post! Enjoy! Now, I’m going to go paint my nails. Maybe I’ll make a post about my nail color of choice.
And… because I just CAN’T LEAVE A POST WITHOUT A SONG.
The creepy video to go along with the even creepier (but great) song. I don’t even like Moby.
For many years now, I have felt like I was completely alone. Like there wasn’t a single person on this planet who really, truly cared for my well-being. Not a single person who gave a shit if I woke up in the morning. Or if I made it home okay. Or how my day went. I have never, ever been number one on anyone’s priority list, ever in my life, ever.
This feeling grew much stronger when I moved to Chicago, friendless. Even worse when I found myself in the company of gossip hounds, bad-luck-wishers, and just.. generally negative people. Every time something happened that I thought I couldn’t handle on my own, I’d get seriously depressed over the fact that I am virtually alone. I have to pick myself up and deal with this myself? UGGGHHH.
I just wanted someone to care, help, a shoulder to lean on, someone to listen, understand, and not judge. I wanted this so badly, that I would make great strives to ignore myself and be this pillar for others, hoping to eventually receive the same, in return. Eventually learning that this is not a path that anyone should ever try to go down, you will inevitably be walked all over. My demands were not high. I just wanted to feel loved, appreciated, enjoyed, favored, whatever else it is that gives people the warm-fuzzies.
After a while, I started realizing I am actually better off alone. I don’t need other people, mucking up my stuff. I’m good enough without. I’ve lived through some dumb crap and I can hold my own, pretty damn well. I even work better/harder and am more pleasant to customers, when I’m alone in the office.
So now, the tables have turned. I used to hate the fact that I had no one. Now.. I prefer it. The thought of getting too close or too comfortable with anyone, kind of freaks me out. The thought of someone trying to help me out, just pisses me off, like.. “What? You think I can’t take care of that myself, ya fuckin jerk?!?” The idea of a serious relationship kind of makes me cringe. For me, that’s typically the death of meeting new people, strangers, making new friends, which is something that I really, greatly, enthusiastically enjoy doing. It’s harder for me to do when I am concerned about someone else. When someone else is being judgmental, non-agreeable, whatever else it is that makes a person hard to hang with. It’s so much easier to meet people when you’re alone.
Anyway, that’s another tangent for another time. Point is: I am finally completely comfortable and content with how things are right now… with me, myself, and my cat.
Do you know what it feels like to have something you really want to say, but you know full-well it’s better left unsaid? Better left untouched. The intentions are good, but the plot is not there.
If only things could be different. If only we could all get our way. But things are the way they are for a reason. And it’s all for the better, in the end. Even if you still think about it, years after the fact, and it comes up again and again, and you aren’t the only one who wishes so. If it’s not, then it’s just not. Right? Everyone should just move on. Right? I am not so sure.
But.. it does no good for anyone to be stuck in the past. Or the future. So, here I stay. Comfy and content. Ready for whatever is coming my way.
I love youtube for reasons such as this:
I could have killed somebody to have seen that live.
